


i hear my heart breaking tonight

by neenswrites



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Longing, M/M, Mentioned Kurolisa, Oblivious Kuroo Tetsurou, One-sided pining, Pining, Pining Kozume Kenma, mentioned bokuroo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:02:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27704566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neenswrites/pseuds/neenswrites
Summary: “I think I could have fallen in love with him,” Kuroo confesses, his mouth moving against the top of Kenma’s head.“I think he could have fallen in love with you too,” Kenma replies immediately, because he can’t imagine a world where anyone is incapable of falling in love with Kuroo Tetsurou.“It hurts that I missed that chance,” Kuroo adds, even more quietly. “To fall in love, I mean.”Kenma presses his lips together in an effort to fight back his tears, and nods.-Kenma loves Kuroo more than anything. Kuroo loves Kenma as his best friend.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 24
Kudos: 417





	i hear my heart breaking tonight

**Author's Note:**

> HERE'S ANOTHER FIC i am just going through all the fics in my drafts and posting all of them this break here we goooooo
> 
> THANK YOU [CHRISTY](https://twitter.com/kodzukuro) LIGHT OF MY LIFE FOR BETA READING THIS ALL THE SMOOCHES FOR YOU MWAH
> 
> here is kuroken angst the KANON ASKED FOR and i take no blame for if u are upset pls blame [kanon](https://twitter.com/halfquaint) ty mwah (and also check out her incredible art!!!!)

It begins on an autumn afternoon, Kuroo and Kenma both laid out in Kenma’s backyard. 

Kenma doesn’t want to play volleyball today, still sore from yesterday’s practice with the rest of their middle school team, and Kuroo doesn’t want to spend the beautiful day bundled up inside.

So they compromise. Kenma brings his handheld out with him, and Kuroo brings his volleyball with him, and they both lie down on their backs as the afternoon sun passes over them.

They’re lying head to head, so Kenma can see from his peripherals as Kuroo continues to toss the ball up over and over, catching it just before it hits his face. The constant motion is comforting in its own strange way, and even though neither one of them are talking, Kuroo’s presence alone makes Kenma feel settled.

The peace is broken just a few moments later. 

“Hey Kenma,” Kuroo says softly. Kenma’s brow furrows minutely at the words, but he hums in response as he keeps playing his game. Holding his device over his head is beginning to tire out his arms, and he thinks he might roll over onto his stomach in a moment. 

Lost in his thoughts, Kenma is caught completely off guard when Kuroo whispers, “Have you ever had a crush on anyone?”

His game nearly slips from his grasp. As it is, Kenma manages to barely keep his grip on it, at the cost of losing the battle he was in the middle of. 

Kenma thinks that might be a metaphor for something, but his mind is just a little too busy racing to figure it out.

Kenma has definitely had a crush on someone, currently has a crush on someone. It’s just unfortunate that this someone is the same person asking him the question. 

Bringing his handheld down to his chest, Kenma licks his lips as he tries to figure out a way to reply. There’s no way Kuroo is asking this question for the fun of it. He sounds too hesitant, his voice just a little too vulnerable. 

So more likely than not, it means Kuroo has a crush. But then why is he asking Kenma about it?

It’s really dumb to hope. Kuroo has said less than ten words, and none of them point to Kenma being his crush. But feelings are dumb, and expectations are dumb, and Kenma might just be a little dumb too. So he can’t really help the way his heart is racing in his chest as he turns the question over and over in his mind.

He apparently takes too long. 

“Sorry,” Kuroo says, catching the volleyball as it lands in his hand, and turning over so he’s on his side, back facing Kenma. “I don’t know why I…”

Kuroo trails off, and Kenma sits up with a frown. 

“Don’t be sorry,” Kenma says, pulling on Kuroo’s shoulder so he’s back on his back. He tries to make eye contact with Kuroo, but his best friend just avoids his gaze. Kenma lets out a quiet sigh. “I was just surprised, Kuro. I’m not upset or anything.”

Kuroo finally drags his eyes up to look up at Kenma, and the way the sun makes his tan skin look gold causes Kenma’s chest to hiccup. 

“I know we never really talk about crushes or anything like that,” Kuroo says haltingly, turning the volleyball over in his hands nervously. “So it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.”

“I don’t mind, really,” Kenma insists. There’s a pause in the conversation, and Kenma opens his mouth once, then twice, before finally asking, “Why did you ask?”

A flush works its way across Kuroo’s face, and Kenma’s eyes widen faintly at the sight. It’s different from the flush Kuroo gets on his face after a long day of practice, or on the rare instances when he gets a cold. It sits higher on his cheeks, and creeps back towards his ears, and Kenma closes his fist around the ends of his shirt at the sight of it.

Why is it only Kuroo who has ever caused him to react like this?

“I’m… it’s…” Kuroo stammers, and Kenma finds himself leaning just a little bit closer to him in anticipation. “Um… there’s… there’s this girl… she’s in a different class than mine, but she’s just…”

Kuroo trails off then, but it's different from the way he trailed off earlier. There’s a smile on his face, almost sickeningly sweet, and Kenma feels his stomach turn at the sight of it. 

Because of course Kuroo doesn’t have a crush on him. Kuroo probably doesn’t even like boys like that. Kenma knows this, has repeated it himself countless times. 

That still doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“Oh,” Kenma says, because he’s not really sure what else to say. “That’s good, I guess.”

“I haven’t really talked to her,” Kuroo continues, the words spilling out of him like he’s been holding them back for a while. “But I saw her when I went to turn in my club slip for volleyball. She was turning in hers for track, and she smiled at me when she was leaving the office, and she was so pretty, Kenma.”

Kenma doesn’t want to hear this. He has no idea who this girl is, but he can’t think of a person he hates more than her at that moment. He knows it’s dumb, and it’s not her fault that Kuroo liked her smile, and that he should be encouraging Kuroo or something like that.

But Kenma still hates it. Hates it so much he ends up bitterly saying, “So you’ve never even talked to her? How do you even know you like her?”

Kuroo blinks up at Kenma in surprise. Kenma’s not sure if he’s surprised at his words or his tone, and he doesn’t really care either way. 

“But you didn’t _see_ her, Kenma,” Kuroo insists, sitting up to face Kenma properly. “She was so pretty. Her eyes were bright, and her smile was big, and her hair…” Kuroo trails off, eyes drifting to the side as his smile grows just an inch. “It was so long. I love long hair.”

Kenma drops his gaze so he doesn’t have to look at Kuroo’s lovesick expression any longer. 

Kenma doesn’t know what he was expecting when he asked Kuroo that question. Maybe for his best friend to realize the crush was shallow, or inconsequential, or not even a crush at all. 

He definitely isn’t prepared for the fact that everything Kuroo likes about this girl is everything that Kenma’s not. His eyes are never bright, but usually bloodshot from staying up too late playing games. He rarely smiles, and when he does it’s usually small and fleeting.

The closest thing he has going for him is his hair. Kenma wraps the ends of a strand around his finger. It’s certainly longer than most boys his age, but it could be longer. Just a little longer, at least. 

That evening, when Kuroo is back at his house, and Kenma’s eating dinner with his parents, his mother happens to bring up his hair. 

“It’s getting pretty long, Kenma,” she says over her cup. “I know you like to keep it a certain length, but are you sure you don’t even want a trim?”

“I’m sure,” Kenma says, more resolutely than he’s ever said the words before. His mother raises a single eyebrow, but lets the subject drop.

She never brings it up again. Kenma never answers Kuroo’s question about ever having a crush. Kuroo dates the girl from class 3-D for two weeks before they break up, and then goes to Nekoma High School a year ahead of Kenma. 

Kenma never gets a haircut.

-

Kenma gets used to Kuroo having crushes.

He wouldn’t say his best friend has a type exactly. All the girls he’s shown interested in have all had long hair, but besides that, they don’t have much in common. They’ve been tall, short, athletic, studious, popular, quiet, and anything in between. 

Kenma isn’t sure what to make of it, only that he notes all the different qualities of the girls like clockwork every time Kuroo mentions he’s interested in them. 

He knows he shouldn’t torture himself like this, but it’s almost cathartic in a way. It reminds him that Kuroo not being interested in him has less to do with anything about him, and more to do with the fact that Kuroo is devastatingly straight.

It doesn’t help Kenma’s crush any, because Kuroo is still handsome, and considerate, and comfortable, and Kenma’s favorite person. But does help him not take Kuroo’s feelings - or lack of feelings - not as personally.

It doesn't have to do with who Kenma is. Kenma can deal with that.

And then Kenma is proven completely wrong. 

-

One thing Kenma really doesn’t like about high school is the introduction of weekend practices. School already monopolizes so much of his time, and now practice eats at even more of it. He doesn’t hate volleyball, but he does wish it didn’t require just so much of him. 

Luckily, he’s able to get away with skipping a few practices here and there. Or maybe ‘get away with’ is too strong a phrase. The third years on the team will definitely give him a hard time, and Yamamoto will definitely say something about it, but Kuroo won’t mind, and that’s what matters most.

With Kuroo, it's easy. He just has to give an excuse about his muscles aching due to the gruelling week, and Kuroo lets him skip with the barest hint of concern across his face.

So on Friday, Kenma does just that. Kuroo looks conflicted, like he’s debating joining Kenma, but Kenma shakes his head at Kuroo. Kuroo’s place on the team doesn’t need to suffer for Kenma’s own laziness.

Kenma makes his way home, relaxes on his bed, and spends a few blissful hours just playing games. He thinks nothing of the practice he’s missing, because it’s a practice just like any other. He’s not missing much.

By the time the sun starts creeping down toward the horizon, Kenma hears the sound of Kuroo entering his house. He’s a little earlier than Kenma expected. Usually Kuroo drops his things off at his own home first before coming by to Kenma. 

It’s weird, but nothing for Kenma to think twice about - until Kuroo makes his way upstairs.

“Kenma,” Kuroo asks, gently knocking on the frame of his bedroom door, and that causes Kenma to pause his game. Kuroo hasn’t knocked on Kenma’s door in years. “Are you free to talk?”

Kenma narrows his eyes as alarms start going off in his head . Kuroo never ever _asks_ to talk. He just helps himself to Kenma’s time, even if that just means talking non-stop while Kenma hums and nods. 

On top of that, the tone Kuroo is using is familiar. It’s the same one he used ages ago, when he was telling Kenma about his first crush. 

It worries Kenma somewhat. Not for anything that has to do with Kenma, but because he has no idea what Kuroo could have to tell him that warrants that level of nerves. Nowadays, Kuroo never sounds timid when talking about his crushes - just lovesick. 

This has to be something important. 

Tucking away his handheld, Kenma sits up properly on his bed, and tilts his head towards the empty space at the end of it. Kuroo looks grateful for the opening, crossing Kenma’s bedroom in three quick strides before settling on the edge of his bed. 

Kenma gives Kuroo some time, but when 15 minutes goes by without anything more than Kuroo nervously bouncing his knee, Kenma figures he’s going to have to reach out first. 

“So,” Kenma starts gently, tilting his head a bit to meet Kuroo’s gaze. He’s been staring at the floor since he came in, and Kenma knows that it’s doing nothing to help whatever is going through his mind. “You wanted to talk about something?”

Kuroo nods his head a few times before he hesitantly says, “So, we have a practice match with Fukurodani in a few weeks.”

Kenma tilts his head. This is news to him, but he assumes this was announced at today’s practice. It’s not really all that surprising though. With as close as the two schools are - both in terms of proximity and connections - practice matches were a pretty regular thing. 

Kenma has no clue where Kuroo is going with this. 

“Okay,” Kenma replies slowly, trying to help Kuroo along. “Um… are we going to them? Or are they coming to us?”

“They’re coming here, staying for the weekend and everything,” Kuroo laughs helplessly, and Kenma just feels more and more confused. “And I… there’s someone…”

Kenma feels understanding wash over him. Finally, things were beginning to make sense. Kuroo has a crush from someone on Fukurodani. Kenma has no clue why Kuroo’s being so strange about it, but maybe it’s because the girl goes to a different school. It _is_ a bit unconventional. 

“You have a crush on one of the managers, then,” Kenma states boredly, in the same way he guesses most of Kuroo’s crushes. He knows his best friend well - he can see when he has a crush from a mile away. 

And knowing all this, this is the part where Kuroo should laugh again. It’ll be an embarrassed sort of laugh, still grating on the ears but endearing in a way that’s unique only to Kuroo. He’ll make a dumb joke to deflect attention, and when Kenma doesn’t flinch, he’ll come clean and start listing all the things he likes about the girl.

All of those things should be happening right now. 

But instead, Kuroo seems to shrink in on himself. His shoulders climb high up to his ears, and his knee starts bouncing so much he shakes the whole bed. There is no laughter, no joking, no coming clean. Just Kuroo looking more insecure than Kenma has seen him look in years.

“Ah, no, not quite,” Kuroo says, his voice sounding so strained Kenma’s is sure it’s about to break. “It’s… it’s….”

Kenma’s by Kuroo’s side before his best friend can take another shaky breath. 

“Kuro,” Kenma says softly, ducking his head again and grabbing the sides of Kuroo’s face with both his hands. He pulls gently, until Kuroo is finally making eye contact with him. Taking a deep breath in, Kenma firmly tells Kuroo, “Breathe.”

Kuroo does so immediately, inhaling sharply before shakily letting the air out. Kenma nods encouragingly at him as he does this, and keeps breathing in and out with Kuroo until Kuroo’s eyes start to clear, until he can feel Kuroo’s pulse slow down, until Kuroo doesn’t look on the verge of tears.

Slowly, Kenma pulls his hands away from Kuroo’s face, but makes sure to maintain eye contact with Kuroo. 

“Thank you,” Kuroo chokes out, and Kenma just nods again.

He hesitates a moment, before carefully asking, “Is everything okay, Kuro?”

Kuroo groans, dropping his head onto Kenma’s shoulder. Kenma stiffens for a moment, but then Kuroo tilts his head away just a bit, and Kenma immediately wraps his arms around his best friend. 

Now isn’t the time to let his silly little crush on Kuroo get in the way. Kuroo clearly needs Kenma right now. Whatever fluttery feelings he gets in his stomach from their proximity can wait. 

“I need to tell you something,” Kuroo says quietly. “And I’m scared about how you’re going to react to it.”

Kenma runs his fingers through Kuroo’s hair, and smiles as Kuroo relaxes against him. “Kuro, you once sang every element on the periodic table to me for two weeks straight. If I didn’t murder you then, I’m not going to murder you now.”

“That was too impressive for you to murder me over,” Kuroo says weakly. Kenma opens his mouth to reply about how completely unimpressed he felt, but then Kuroo wraps his arms around Kenma tightly, bringing them even closer together. Kuroo exhales shakily, and then whispers, “I’m scared you won’t want to be my friend anymore.”

Kenma’s lips part in surprise. He thinks that by now, it should be perfectly clear to Kuroo: he’s never going to stop being Kuroo’s friend, never going to voluntarily leave his side. Kenma plans on being in Kuroo’s life for as long as he’ll have him.

And if Kuroo needs a reminder about that, then Kenma is too ready to provide that. 

“I’m not your friend because I have to be Kuro.” Kenma brushes his fingers through Kuroo’s hair once more, before letting his hand linger at the top of Kuroo’s neck. “I’m your friend because I _want_ to be, I really want to be, and there’s not a lot you can do to change that.”

Kuroo nods, and then slowly pulls away until Kenma is able to look him in the eye. Kenma blinks at the anxiety he can see in Kuroo’s gaze, and offers him as encouraging a smile he can. 

It probably looks more like a grimace. Kuroo still seems to relax just a touch.

“Kenma,” Kuroo says, taking a deep breath. “I’m… bisexual.”

Kenma’s jaw drops. It’s a small, involuntary action, born only from Kenma’s genuine surprise. Of all the things he expects Kuroo to tell him, it wasn’t this.

“I’m sorry,” Kuroo says, and it’s then that Kenma realizes how long he’s been quiet for. Kuroo is pulling away from Kenma now, turning his body away, and Kenma’s eyes widen as he takes in the crestfallen look on Kuroo’s face. “I don’t… we don’t have to talk about it, or-or, just please Kenma don’t lea--”

“I’m gay,” Kenma blurts out. Kuroo turns to look at him with wide eyes, and Kenma feels his cheeks burn with embarrassment. 

It isn’t like he never planned on telling Kuroo. But this is much more abrupt than he would’ve liked. 

But he doesn’t regret it. Kuroo is his best friend, and is clearly panicking. And if Kuroo trusts Kenma enough to be that vulnerable with him, then Kenma trusts him just as much.

It’s something like a compromise.

“You-you are?” Kuroo asks, and there’s a large smile spreading across this face that makes Kenma’s chest feel so light. Kenma nods, a small smile on his own face as Kuroo’s entire body seems to drain of all tension. 

“That’s,” Kuroo starts, except the words seem to get caught in his throat, and before Kenma knows it Kuroo is wiping at his eyes. Kenma wants to laugh or tease him or _anything_ but instead he feels tears start to well up in his own eyes as well.

Kenma doesn’t expect the relief that’s washing over his entire body. He never feared that Kuroo would turn him away. He worried things would maybe change a little, but he always told himself the reason he never told Kuroo he was gay was because he could never figure out how.

That’s apparently a little less true than Kenma thought.

But it’s okay. It’s okay because Kuroo is pulling Kenma close, and laughing as he cries, and Kenma’s doing the same thing as he presses his face against Kuroo’s chest.

“I was scared you’d be weirded out by me, or something,” Kuroo says from above Kenma, and Kenma just shakes his head at him. Kuroo laughs shakily. “Yeah, I know it’s dumb. I just couldn’t get it out of my head.”

“I guess part of me was worried too,” Kenma replies softly. “So it’s not that dumb.”

They stay like this for a little while, content to bask in the moment a little longer, until Kenma remembers something.

This conversation hadn’t come out of nowhere. Kuroo had started it with a purpose, with something else in mind.. 

With Fukurodani.

Kenma feels dread start to pull at his stomach.

It’s different to be passively supportive about Kuroo’s crushes when they’re girls. Kuroo doesn’t really expect much encouragement from Kenma anyway, and has other friends he can go to boost his confidence if he ever feels like confessing. 

He never ends up doing it, not after his first crush, but he has the support system nonetheless.

But if Kuroo is only out to Kenma, that means _Kenma_ is the one who’s going to give him that support.

Kenma isn’t sure he can handle that.

Because it was one thing to listen to Kuroo talk about a girl when Kenma knew he had no chance to begin with. It’s another thing completely to hear Kuroo talk about a guy when Kenma is as hopelessly into him as he is. 

And he barely has time to deal with this revelation before Kuroo is pulling back completely now, looking at Kenma with a large smile on his face.

“Or maybe we’re both a little dumb,” Kuroo says, rubbing his shoulder against his face to wipe at the last of the tears there. “I know I definitely am considering my new crush.”

Kenma’s throat constricts. A small part of him is grateful that he already cried some because that means he’s much less likely to cry now. 

A soft “Oh?” is all Kenma’s able to force out.

“Yeah, that’s actually why I brought up Fukurodani before,” Kuroo says with a soft, embarrassed laugh, and at least Kenma was right about this. Kuroo does have a crush. Kema can recognize that laugh anywhere.

And now knowing what Kenma knows…

“It’s Bokuto,” Kenma guesses, and the blush spreading across Kuroo’s face is the only confirmation he needs.

“Am I that obvious?” Kuroo asks, his voice almost self deprecatingly, and Kenma just drops his gaze and shakes his head. He never would have guessed it before, but there really isn’t anyone else it could be. Kuroo spent most of the summer training camp with Bokuto, and texts the guy regularly. If his crush is from Fukurodani, there’s really no one else it can be.

“Not obvious,” Kenma said with a heavy shrug. “I just know you is all.”

“Oh, you’re Mr. All-Knowing now that you’ve learned my big secret, huh,” Kuroo teases with a grin, and Kenma doesn’t even know what to say. 

Because he does know everything about Kuroo, and it feels like the more he knows about Kuroo, the more he falls for him.

And yet, the more he knows about Kuroo, the more unattainable he seems. 

Because Bokuto is nothing like Kenma - at all. With the girls, it didn’t matter if they were like Kenma because Kenma isn’t a girl. He was going to have some fundamental differences from them to begin with. 

But Bokuto is a boy, just the same as Kenma, and that’s about as far as their similarities goes. He’s loud, and strong, and fun, and basically a walking antithesis to everything Kenma is. Bokuto may have his low moments, but at the end of the day he’s the backbone of his team, he’s their star, and Kenma…

Kenma’s not really much of anything, to be honest.

Certainly not enough to be anything more than a friend to Kuroo. 

“Are you going to tell him?” Kenma asks instead, needing to know exactly what to prepare for next weekend.

“Oh God, no,” Kuroo says in one large exhale. Kenma feels some of the tension bleed out of him. “I have no idea if Bo is even into guys. No, I’m not going to tell him I’m just…” Kuroo smiles fondly, and Kenma almost wants to curse him for looking just so endearing. “I’m just excited to see him.”

The practice match ends up being uneventful. Kuroo and Bokuto talk, and tease, and rile each other up like all the other matches before. But Kenma can see the way Kuroo’s face flushes with more than just exertion, and the way his eyes light up when Bokuto’s attention is focused on him. It hurts. It hurts so much more than Kenma could’ve ever anticipated.

The two of them dance around each other for about a year. Kenma thinks it’s because neither can tell where the line between being just ‘bros’ and being much more is, until a few weeks after they both enter their third year when Bokuto bites the bullet and kisses Kuroo after a practice match.

Kenma only knows this because Kuroo whispered to Kenma about the whole ordeal as they rode the bus home. Kenma hums as in all the right places, and if he presses the buttons on his game with just a little too much force then so be it. 

Kenma keeps growing his hair long though, and three weeks after Kuroo and Bokuto make their relationship official, he bleaches the whole of it.

“Why didn’t you ask me for help?” Kuroo asks as they walk home, his fingers playing with the ends of Kenma's hair. 

“I don’t need you to do everything for me, Kuro,” Kenma replies, and he doesn’t need to look up to know that Kuroo’s frowning. Kenma sighs. “I just...wanted to do this for me. I don't really have a reason for it.”

Except he kind of does. If he’s going to keep up with growing his hair for Kuroo, he’s at least going to mess it up a little while he does it. It’s the one measure of control Kenma feels over his hair.

It’s the one measure of control he seems to have over himself too. 

-

Kuroo and Bokuto last awhile. They last the rest of high school at least, and almost until Kuroo goes into college.

But Bokuto wants to play volleyball professionally with a team in Osaka, and Kuroo wants to stay in Tokyo, and the distance wouldn’t have been awful, but it would’ve been rough. Neither have no idea how it would strain or twist their relationship, and they both agree that they would rather end things amicably now and keep their friendship, then deal with a messy break where neither one stays in the other’s life.

At least, that’s what Kuroo tells Kenma in the light of day, with the rest of Nekoma around.

Later that night, when it’s just the two of them, Kenma let’s Kuroo curl himself around him, and holds him for a while.

“I think I could have fallen in love with him,” Kuroo confesses, his mouth moving against the top of Kenma’s head.

“I think he could have fallen in love with you too,” Kenma replies immediately, because he can’t imagine a world where anyone is incapable of falling in love with Kuroo Tetsurou.

“It hurts that I missed that chance,” Kuroo adds, even more quietly. “To fall in love, I mean.”

Kenma presses his lips together in an effort to fight his own tears, and nods.

-

Kuroo goes to college, then Kenma goes to college, and honestly not much changes between them even as adults. Well, Kenma does become a little rich and famous, and Kuroo does decide that he probably won’t be playing volleyball professionally after he graduates, but nothing much changes in their relationship.

Kenma still goes to Kuroo when he freaks out about saying something wrong in front of his fans, Kuroo still goes to Kenma when he wonders for the fiftieth time if committing to a career where he doesn’t get to play volleyball is the right decision, and they lean on each other like they always have - with give and take, with compromise.

Kenma tries dating. None of it goes anywhere - when the standard is knowing Kenma like the back of their hand, no one is ever quite able to measure up. Kuroo goes on a few dates during this time too, but none of them ever last.

And then Alisa happens. 

In all the years Kenma’s known Alisa, he never considered the possibility of her and Kuroo ever getting together. It felt impossible to imagine her with anyone really, for reasons Kenma could never quite place. 

But then, one day Kuroo is calling Kenma while he’s studying for an exam. 

“This better be important,” Kenma answers, eyes still focused on the book in front of him. He’s sat in front of the coffee table in his living room, and told Kuroo prior that he really needed to study today. 

“It is, it is,” Kuroo assures him, and Kenma pauses in his studying at how breathless he sounds. “You’ll never guess who I just ran into.”

Kenma huffs. “You’re right. I’ll never guess.”

“You’re no fun,” Kuroo complains, but Kenma can hear the smile in his tone. Whoever Kuroo ran into must’ve really made his day. Kenma’s stomach twists at the thought. “But fine, I’ll just tell you. It was Alisa - Haiba Alisa.”

Kenma blinks in surprise. He didn’t know she was already back from Russia. Kenma voices as much to Kuroo. 

“I know me neither,” Kuroo agrees. “Apparently she just got back this month, and is planning on staying in Japan for awhile. And you’ll never guess who’s the lucky bastard that got her number.”

“I can’t believe you interrupted my studying for this,” Kenma says with a sigh, and he considers hanging up right then. 

“How are you not even a little excited about this?” Kuroo whines, and Kenma clicks his tongue at him. “It’s Alisa - she’s practically perfect.”

Kenma can’t help the way the words sting. He’s well aware of how perfect Alisa is, and listened to the whole team talk about it all the time when he was in high school. He’s not surprised that Kuroo is excited - he just doesn’t want to hear about it.

“Congratulations,” Kenma says shortly, before hanging up the phone and going back to his studying.

Except now Kenma’s having trouble focusing back on the material. There’s an uneasy feeling bubbling in his chest, and he’s not sure what to do with it. Call it a premonition or intuition or whatever, but he has a bad feeling about what’s to come.

Kenma is painfully proven right.

Kuroo and Alisa begin to talk. Kuroo and Alisa begin to _date_. Kuroo and Alisa end up spending as much time together as both their busy schedules allow, talking, laughing, and getting to know each other much better than they ever did before. 

And Kenma watches as they grow closer, as their relationship deepens, with the same horrible sense of captivation you get from watching a car accident - except the one in the accident is Kenma and he’s feeling himself spin, and spin, and spin until he’s so dizzy he could cry.

It’s honestly kind of hard for Kenma to look at the two of them together. They look perfect - side by side, tall, attractive, ready to take on the world together as a power couple. It makes bile rise in Kenma’s throat and he wishes he could be happier for Kuroo, except he can’t be.

Because he’s an awful friend. Because he’s selfish.

Because Kenam is so in love with his best friend he hardly knows what to do with himself.

He’s so in love that when Kuroo calls him one night to tell Kenma, “I think I’m in love with her, Kenma. I’ve never felt anything like this before,” Kenma mutes himself so that Kuroo doesn’t have to hear the hiccup in his voice.

And then they’re planning a trip to Russia together. They’re talking about moving in together. Kenma swears Kuroo’s going to bring up marrying Alisa.

And then, a year after dating, the two of them break up.

-

Kenma doesn’t know how to feel when he finds out at the same time as everybody else about Kuroo and Alisa’s break up.

He knows he and Kuroo spend less time together now then before, but they’re still best friends. He thinks he’s allowed to be a little upset that he found out from Lev on the Nekoma group chat before he found out from Kuroo.

So Kenma calls him.

“That was not how I wanted you finding out,” Kuroo answers, because of course he knows why Kenma is calling him.

“And how exactly did you want me to find out?” Kenma replies readily, not letting Kuroo off the hook. 

“Honestly, I didn’t want you to.” Kenma inhales sharply at the words, and he’s pretty sure it’s quiet enough that Kuroo doesn’t catch it. “The most perfect scenario would be everyone forgot we were dating in the first place, so I never had to go around telling the world we broke up.”

Kenma softens, and he wishes he could see Kuroo’s face. “Do you want to come over? I don’t have any work to do tonight, so we could watch a movie, or a match, or anything?”

Kuroo hums, and Kenma swears he hears a waver in his voice. “I’m going to have to rein check on that. I’m a little busy with work things, and all that.”

The excuse is weak, but Kenma knows Kuroo is more likely to keep throwing more weak excuses than to just fold and come over. So he doesn’t press, just talks to Kuroo for a little longer before they agree to meet up some other time.

As soon as Kenma hangs up though, he’s heading to his room and packing a bag with things to stay the night at Kuroo’s.

Because of course that stubborn bastard is going to pretend like everything's alright when it clearly isn’t. Does he think Kenma’s an idiot? That it isn’t obvious that Kuroo is hurting?

As if he would ever let Kuroo suffer through this alone.

So Kenma takes his bag of clothes and toiletries, swipes the expensive bottle of sake he’d gotten as a gift from some higher up at his company, and loads into his car after blowing a quick kiss to the cat lounging on his roof.

Kenma doesn’t bother giving Kuroo any sort of heads up. He just drives as fast as the speed limit will allow him until he’s Kuroo’s apartment complex, stepping into the elevator, and walking the six doors it takes until he gets to Kuroo’s place. 

Arms full, Kenma just kicks at the door instead of knocking. Kuroo deserves a couple of scuffs on his door for trying to lie to Kenma anyway.

Kenma thinks he hears a sigh, before heavy footsteps make their way closer to him, and then the door is swinging open to reveal a disheveled looking Kuroo, staring down at Kenma with a bemused look in his eyes.

“How did I know it would be you?” Kuroo asks before Kenma shoulders his way into his apartment, and drops his things at his feet.

“Because you know I’m not an idiot,” Kenma replies easily. Kuroo chuckles, and Kenma catches the smell of alcohol on his breath. He looks up at Kuroo expectantly. “Have you been drinking?”

Kuroo narrows his eyes. “Are you judging me right now?”

Kenma rolls his own eyes in response, and just pulls the bottle of sake from his bag. Kuroo’s eyes widen, and then he pulls Kenma’s to his chest in a crushing hug.

“You’re my best friend,” he coos, rubbing his cheeks against the top of Kenma’s head, and Kenma pushes fruitlessly at Kuroo’s chest.

“Let me go, you giant asshole,” Kenma says, grateful the flush on his cheeks could be easily explained away as exertion. By the time Kuroo finally lets him go, Kenma’s hair is a mess and he’s glaring up at Kuroo.

Kenma’s still glaring by the time the two are settled in Kuroo’s living room with the bottle between them.

“I said I was sorry,” Kuroo complained, drawing the words out. Kenma thinks he would be more annoyed, but he’s already had one cup of sake so he’s mostly just amused.

“You still don’t sound sorry,” Kenma says, pouring himself a second glass. He probably won’t drink much more past this, but he’s also not going to be the only sober person between the two of them.

“That’s just the alcohol getting to you, my dear Kenma,” Kuroo drawls with a grin, and Kenma knees him sharply. Kuroo just laughs, leaning a little closer to Kenma. “Aw, are you blushing?”

“It’s just the alcohol getting to me,” Kenma replies flatly. Kuroo has always been an affectionate drunk, and Kenma has always had to deal with what that did to his heart. Terms of endearment and a little proximity aren’t going to get to him.

“You did bring the best alcohol,” Kuroo says with a sigh, leaning his whole weight against Kenma's side, and resting his head on top of Kenma’s.

Well, maybe it gets to him, just a little. 

“Did you want to put on a match?” Kenma asks, already reaching for the remote and turning the TV on to distract himself from the warmth of Kuroo’s body and the warmth collecting on his cheeks. “I know you missed the last Jackal game.”

“Yeah, because Alisa wanted to go on a date that night,” Kuroo adds right as Kenma clicks on the recording of the game he knows Kuroo made. He tenses at Kuroo’s words though, and the way Kuroo’s voice doesn’t sound bitter, or angry, or resentful. Just hollow, and a little defeated.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Kenma asks gently. If Kuroo says no, he won’t push it. He doesn’t have to say everything now. 

Kuroo’s silent for a while, before he swallows the entirety of his glass of sake. “She was in love with someone else, someone from the industry named Miwa.”

Kenma blinks. _Miwa_. He doesn’t know anyone but that name, but he does know that’s not a man’s name.

“Miwa is…”

“Yeah,” Kuroo sighs. “She said she’s sorry, but she wasn’t sure if she ever even loved me.” Kenma winces and Kuroo hunches over himself a bit. “I don’t really blame her. I...I think I felt the same way. I think she knew that too.”

“You were crazy about her, Kuro.” Kenma nudges him gently with his shoulder. “You don’t have to downplay that for my sake.”

“I think I convinced myself that I was,” Kuroo replies easily. “But I think I was more in love with just finally having someone. Someone I can know for certain will be there at the beginning and the end of the day.”

“You’ll find that--”

“Will I, Kenma?” Kuroo interrupts loudly. Kenma’s eyes widen and he silently closes his mouth, his words of comfort getting caught in his throat.

Kuroo looks guilty, which isn’t what Kenma wants, but he also isn’t sure what to say. They sit in silence, Kenma tracing the rim of his glass with his finger, and Kuroo opening and closing his mouths so many times that Kenma wonders if Kuroo even knows how to identify all the thoughts swirling in his head.

“I just feel like I’m unlovable,” Kuroo finally confesses quietly, and Kenma’s heart seizes. “That, or I make myself unlovable on purpose. Or maybe I just tell myself that to make myself feel better.”

And there’s never been a moment in Kenma’s life where he’s ever been so close to confessing.

The alcohol is definitely helping, making his tongue feel lighter and thoughts feel looser, but he also knows it’s more than that. It’s the unrelenting desire to make Kuroo feel as loved as possible. 

Kenma has tried doing this, in his own way, for the better part of his life, but maybe Kuroo needs more than that. Maybe he needs the words, needs someone to say it to him and mean it with their whole soul the way Kenma means it with his.

Just one time, just one breath, just one single, “I like you, I love you, I am so in love with you.”

But maybe he’s also being selfish, trying to twist a confession into something that’ll help Kuroo. Maybe all it’ll do is make Kuroo feel even lower.

The one person to ever tell Kuroo their in love with him, and it would just be Kenma.

“You’re the best person I know,” Kenma settles on, his eyes a little shinier than before. “And I know you better than anyone. So just...trust me when I say you’re not unlovable, okay?”

Kuroo looks at Kenma, and his eyes look incredibly sentimental as he quietly says the words, “Okay.”

Kenma thinks that's the end of it, except when Kuroo starts dozing off, and Kenma starts dragging him to his room, Kuroo stops Kenma from pulling away with a drowsy, “Stay with me, please?”

And Kenma can’t deny Kuroo most things, and especially not this, so he slips into the bed beside Kuroo and falls into a fitful sleep.

-

When Kenma wakes up the next morning, the bed is empty and his head is pounding. He groans, burying his face into Kuroo’s pillow, and wishing for the sun to just disappear so he wouldn’t have to deal with its light.

He’s not sure how long he lays there, but then the smell of coffee makes its way to Kenma and the want to get rid of his headache outweighs the want to stay in bed all day.

Forcing himself to move his feet, Kenma isn’t surprised to see Kuroo brewing coffee and looking just as, if not more, miserably as Kenma felt.

“Morning,” Kenma says through a yawn, and Kuroo just waves back. Kenma furrows his brows, and that’s when he notices the frown on Kuroo’s face.

“Kuro--”

“Sorry about last night,” Kuroo interrupts, head tilted down and bitterness on his face. “I was a mess, and needy, and god, just so--”

“Kuro--”

“You shouldn’t have to take care of me like that,” Kuroo continues, seemingly unhearing of Kenma. “No one should, except I always need people to.”

“Kuro,” Kenma says a little more insistently this time. “Tetsu--”

“And I apologize for complaining, but here I am doing it again.” Kuroo gives a defeated little laugh, before resting his elbows on the counter and pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes. “It’s no wonder no one likes me enough to bear with me for more than a bit.”

And it just sort of slips out then. 

“I like you,” Kenma says, and the words spill out of his mouth as easily as Kuroo’s name. 

Kuroo turns to look Kenma fully in the eyes, and in the moment before their eyes meet, Kenma feels a lot. He feels panic bubble in his chest, and regret pool in his throat, and fear begin to make a mess of his head. But underneath the maelstrom of emotions is a level of relief. 

Kenma hates lying to Kuroo. He hates keeping things from him, hates pretending like everything's okay around him, and hates that this is the one area in his life that he has always had to keep to himself.

He’s almost happy that he finally let his feelings be known. 

And then their eyes finally meet, and Kenma takes it all back.

There’s shock in Kuroo’s eyes. Shock, disbelief, and, worst of all, a little bit of panic.

“You what?” 

Kenma knows Kuroo isn’t a fool, and refuses to treat him like one either - refuses to repeat himself when Kuroo is looking at him like he’s never seen Kenma before.

“You heard what I said,” and Kenma’s proud that his voice didn’t waver once. 

“You...can’t,” Kuroo says slowly, and then he’s shaking his head more resolutely. “No, Kenma, there’s no way you--that you’re--that you have _feelings_ for me.”

Kenma feels indignation rise in his chest, because what the hell? Who is Kuroo to tell Kenma that he doesn’t have feelings for him? That the way his heart skips in his chest at Kuroo’s smiles was nothing but friendship? That the eagerness Kenma felt to make Kuroo was something fleeting? That the past ten years of their relationship where Kenma wanted nothing more than to be _so much more_ with Kuroo didn’t exist?

“Of course, I do,” Kenma says firmly, placing his tea down on the kitchen counter.

Kuroo furrows his brows at Kenma, and Kenma’s irritation spikes when he notices the way Kuroo still looks so skeptical. He’s not sure if it's the irritation, or the frustration, or just all the pent up emotions, but Kenma does the only thing he can think to do.

Crossing the short distance between them, Kenma rises on his toes, yanks Kuroo down by his shoulders, and kisses Kuroo. 

Kenma pours all his longing, all his desire, and all the love he’s kept secret from Kuroo for the past years into the kiss. 

And then Kuroo inhales in surprise, the sound sharp and making Kenma’s eyes snap open. 

He stumbles away from Kuroo, his face burning as he presses the back of his hand against his lips. 

The look on Kuroo’s face is one of pure shock. There’s no more doubt, no more skepticism. Just pure surprise as he looks down at Kenma with wide eyes. 

Kenma has never felt so uncomfortable under Kuroo’s gaze in his entire life. 

Kuroo’s looking at Kenma like he’s looking at a ghost, and Kenma can’t take that - can’t take the person who’s supposed to know him the best looking at him like he’s never seen him before. 

So Kenma flees. He turns on his heel, and doesn’t even bother grabbing the bag of his stuff that’s lying in Kuroo’s bedroom. He just picks up his keys and wallet on the table, and walks towards the front door.

“Kenma,” Kuroo says urgently, but Kenma can’t handle him right now - no matter what his intentions are. 

“Kuro, you don’t feel the same.” Silence meets Kenma, and he feels tears well up in his eyes. It’s nice that he doesn’t have to hear Kuroo say the words. It’s awful to have the final confirmation he’s avoided for years. “It’s okay that you don’t. I just need a little time to myself.”

Kenma continues walking towards the door, and Kuroo says nothing to stop him. Kenma knows he should be relieved, or happy, or grateful that Kuroo’s listening to him, but Kenma thinks it’s possible to feel any semblance of positive feelings in that moment. 

So Kenma leaves, closing Kuroo’s front door behind him. He pauses for a moment, still processing his own confession, before he walks down the hall towards not for the elevator, but for the staircase that’ll lead him back to the first floor of Kuroo’s apartment complex. 

The moment he makes it into the pseudo-privacy of the stairwell, Kenma crouches to the ground and cries.

And cries.

And cries.

.

By the time Kenma finishes crying, leaves Kuroo’s apartment complex, drives back to his own place, and walks through his front door, he’s more exhausted than he’s been in ages. He feels like he could sleep for ages, but unfortunately he has things he needs to do.

It’s probably for the best, Kenma thinks as he drags his feet to his office. He’s always been adept at distracting himself with his work.

So that’s what Kenma does. He edits the video’s he’d been behind on, surprises his fans with a unscheduled stream on Twitch, schedules his meetings to so that they’re all back to back, and an cancels on lunch with Akaashi because he knows the other man will be able to tell somethings wrong the moment he sees him.

It’s fine.

If Kuroo texts during that time, Kenma clears the notification before he can even read what it says.

If Kuroo calls each night, Kenma lets his phone ring and tries not to stare at Kuroo’s contact picture for too long.

If Kuroo leaves a single voicemail, Kenma only stays up a few hours debating whether he should listen to it before falling into a fitful sleep.

It’s fine. 

-

It’s on the third night after that fateful morning at Kuroo’s apartment that Kenma’s stomach grumbles angrily. The sound pulls Kenma from where he’s focused on answering emails. He blinks twice, staring blankly at the email about a sponsorship for his next video, before trying to recall the last time he had a real meal.

It’s not that he hasn’t been eating at all, just that his diet for these past couple days has consisted primarily of snacks and dry-packed noodles. It’s been enough to sustain him for awhile, but now it seems like his stomach is demanding more. 

Sighing, Kenma rises up from his chair and stretches his arms high above his head. He counts to 15, like Kuroo is always telling him to, until realizes what he’s doing and drops his arms back to his sides.

Kenma presses his lips together in a hard line. It’s ridiculous that the first thought to cross his mind when he’s not focusing on work is about Kuroo. 

Shaking his head, Kenma grabs his phone and heads for the kitchen. He’s not planning on cooking, but it’s still where he keeps all his takeout menus. 

However, as soon as he steps into his kitchen, there’s a knock at his front door.

Kenma furrows his brow, and then grimaces. It’s probably Akaashi. Kenma should’ve known better than to cancel on him with as flimsy an excuse as work.

Sighing, Kenma shuffles over to his front door, and doesn’t even bother checking who it is before he swings the door open.

When Kuroo’s disheveled figure is revealed, Kenma immediately regrets his lack of foresight. As stunned as he is, Kenma doesn’t even realize Kuroo’s holding anything until the other man holds it up directly in front of Kenma.

“Hi,” Kuroo says softly, breaking the long silence that stretched over them. Kenma blinks until his eyes drop to the plastic bag in Kuroo’s hands. “I figured it would be rude to come over without anything, and you’ve seemed busy, so…”

“It’s generally rude to come to someone’s house unannounced,” Kenma replies before he can help himself, the quip rolling so easily off his tongue that Kenma almost hates himself for it.

Kuroo chuckles, and it only sounds a little forced. “I mean I did give you a heads up. I texted you.”

Kuroo’s tone is carefully light, but there’s no mistaking the tension in the words - the tension between them.

Kenma closes his eyes with a sigh. “Kuro--”

“Can I please come in,” Kuroo interrupts, ducking his head to look pleading at Kenma. “Just for a little bit. I just...I need to talk to you about something.”

 _Something_ , Kenma thinks bitterly. That’s one way of referring to Kenma’s feelings for Kuroo.

But Kuroo looks so earnest, and Kenma’s never been very good at denying him anything, and he’s just--he’s missed Kuroo _so much_.

So Kenma steps to the side, and keeps his eyes trained on the floor as Kuroo makes his way in so he doesn’t have to see the smile he knows is on Kuroo’s face.

“I got butter chicken curry,” Kuroo says as he leads them both to Kenma’s living room with so much familiarity that it makes Kenma’s chest ache. “It’s from that one Indian place you were curious about - they have levels to their spice so I got you the lowest level.”

Kenma purses his lips, and nods even though Kuroo can’t see him. 

It’s almost frustrating how well Kuroo knows him.

“Did you get yourself anything?” Kenma asks as Kuroo settles in front of his coffee table, and starts pulling many containers from his bag. 

“Yeah, I got some Tandori chicken,” Kuroo said, and it’s then Kenma realizes that Kuroo’s not looking him in the eyes anymore. “And I got you some Lassi.”

Kenma gaze lingers on the sweet drink Kuroo places on the table, and then drags his eyes back to the side of Kuroo’s face.

“Kuro,” Kenma says, voice almost breaking and completely unable to do this - unable to just pretend everything was normal between them. “What are you doing here?”

Kuroo finally stops what he’s doing, and sits back, resting his back against the couch and pulling a single knee up to rest his arm against. He pats the spot next to him, and even though Kenma’s wary, he still makes his way over.

Doesn’t mean he has the courage to look at Kuroo directly though. Kenma stares at his hands that lay tangled in his lap, and waits for Kuroo to finally start speaking. 

“I missed you a lot these past few days,” Kuroo starts softly. His head is tilted down, and it makes it hard to see his expression. “I don’t think I realized how much we talked everyday until we didn’t.”

Kenma stares, his voice flat as he says, “That’s dumb.”

Kuroo laughs a little. “Well it’s not that I didn’t know we talked a lot. It’s just...I guess I didn’t realize how much I look forward to talking to you? How much I rely on it? I don’t know, but it just sucked to go a day and not have you at the end of it.”

Kenma inhales sharply, and feels a stab of anger at Kuroo. He should know better, knowing what he does, than to talk so carelessly like that. 

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Kenma swallows, the words heavy on his tongue. “I-It’s not like I don’t miss you too. But with everything…”

“You mean your feelings for me,” Kuroo cuts Kenma off with, and Kenma feels tension pull his body taut. Maybe he does prefer when Kuroo talks around the subject. Kenma nods, and Kuroo hums. “I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Had to do something with the abundance of free time I found myself with.”

Kenma frowns. He didn’t tell Kuroo his feelings for the other man to turn them over in his mind over and over again. Well, he’s not really sure why he did tell Kuroo in the first place. But it definitely wasn’t for that. 

The last thing he needs is Kuroo picking apart every interaction they had, every word Kenma ever said to him, all of the little quirks Kenma wasn’t even aware he had, and trying to connect them all in some way.

“I think this part of me is upset that I didn’t know sooner.” Kenma frowns at the words, and Kuroo quickly continues with, “I’m not upset you didn’t tell me sooner. God, of course I’m not. I’m just upset I didn’t figure it out. I’m supposed to be your best friend and I still couldn’t…”

“I worked really hard to make sure you didn’t know,” Kenma mumbles. 

“Yeah, but you work hard to hide pretty much every emotion from me,” Kuroo argues, and Kenma wants to shake his head because that’s not true at all - hasn’t been true for a long time. Kuroo getting better at reading Kenma went almost hand in hand with Kenma just not hiding how he was feeling from Kuroo as much.

“Either way, I feel like I should’ve known or had some idea about it or something,” Kuroo sighs, and ruffles his hand through his hair. “But for some reason, I think I never associated you with romance?”

“But it’s not like there aren’t things I like about you.” Kenma freezes at Kuroo’s words, and he can feel Kuroo’s gaze shift to him. “Like I like seeing you everyday, and I like when you sleepover. I like when you tell me about what’s going on in that mind of yours, but I also like when I don’t have to ask because I already know. And I like your hair, and how long it is.”

And that’s about as far as Kenma can let him go. Kenma sees where this is going, knows exactly where Kuroo is going with this before he’s even starting his next sentence. 

“And I don’t think I’ve ever considered--”

“Kuro,” Kenma says sharply, turning his entire body to the side so he can look directly at Kuroo for the first time in days. “You’re my best friend, but also have this terrible habit of doing things for the sake of other people. You can’t do that with this.”

Kuroo meets Kenma’s gaze head on. “That’s not what this is.”

Kenma’s eyes narrow. At least Kuroo isn’t pretending he doesn’t know what Kenma’s talking about.

“But you have to admit that on some level, me being upset made you upset in turn,” Kenma said pointedly, waiting for Kuroo to give a wary nod. “Then this could just be some way for you to get rid of that feeling.”

“First of all, that’s ridiculous.” Kenma rolls his eyes in annoyance, but then Kuroo is continuing, “But even if you were right - _which you aren’t_ \- doesn’t that fact you being upset makes me upset mean something?”

“I don’t know if it can’t just mean ‘something’ - I don’t want this to just be some compromise,” Kenma says evenly. “You have to want it Kuro - not settle for it.”

“Kenma, I don’t think of you as some consolation--”

“I’m in love with you, Kuro,” Kenma interrupts, and Kuroo’s jaw clicks close. Wonder starts to spread on Kuroo’s face, and Kenma has no clue what that means, so he just powers through anyway. “I'm in love with you, and I have been for awhile. This can’t just be something you take lightly.”

Kuroo’s frozen until Kenma says his final statement, and then he’s blinking in surprise at him. 

“Kenma,” Kuroo says softly, almost sounding surprised he has to say this. “I’m not--I won’t pretend like I’ve been secretly hiding feelings for you. But I still care about you. I wouldn’t treat anything that has to do with you, or how you feel, lightly.”

“It’s still...a lot.” Kenma plays absentmindedly with his fingers as he speaks. “It’s a lot that I feel, and a lot for you to commit to.”

Kuroo turns fully to face Kenma, his knee still propped up but his shoulders open to him. “I already told you this before Kenma. I’m not looking for something passing - I want someone to come home to, someone to wake up to, someone to spend the rest of my life with.”

“But do you just want that security, Kuro?” Kenma forces out, his chest feeling too small to carry all the emotions warring inside of him, and too big as he tries to breathe in and out. “Or do you want me? Because there’s a difference.”

Kuroo stares at Kenma for a while, before he slowly, just so slowly, raises a hand to cup Kenma’s face. Kenma inhales sharply at the touch and Kuroo closes almost the space between them. 

“Can I kiss you?” Kuroo asks, and Kenma feels helpless at the question. Kuroo’s eyes dip for a moment to Kenma’s lips, and he licks his own. “Properly, this time?”

Kenma doesn’t know if he can handle this. If Kuroo kisses him and then decides there’s nothing there, Kenma has no clue what he’s going to do. 

But if he only gets one more kiss with Kuroo, then he wants it to be a good one. One where Kuroo isn’t frozen against his lips, but instead is cradling Kenma’s head in his hands like he’s something precious.

So he nods, a barely there movement of his head, and in the next moment Kuroo was pressing his lips against Kenma’s. 

It’s a gentle kiss, little more than a warm press of lips to lips, before Kuroo breaks away to kiss him again, and again, and again, and then Kuroo tilts Kenma’s head back just a touch and kisses Kenma so deeply he starts to feel dizzy. 

Kenma grips tightly onto the front of Kuroo’s shirt as he kisses Kuroo back just as much. 

Kuroo fully breaks apart from Kenma, and the look in his eyes makes Kenma’s heart leap in his chest. Kuroo reaches down to grab at Kenma’s hand, untangling it from his shirt, and lifting it so it’s resting over Kuroo’s heart. 

Kenma’s eyes widen at how quickly it's beating. 

“I like the idea of having a partner, and having someone to come home too,” Kuroo breathes, pressing his forehead against Kenma’s. “But this, what I’m feeling right now? That’s all you Kenma. And I like you a lot more than any stupid ideas.”

Kenma feels more terrified than he ever has in his life, because this? This is what he’s wanted for so long now, and now it’s in his reach for him to have, hold, ruin, destroy, or love. And that’s so scary.

“Okay,” Kenma says, and when Kuroo smiles Kenma knows he can hear the commitment in his voice.

“Okay?” Kuroo repeats with a large grin across his face. “We’re doing this?”

“Yeah.” Kenma says, and a smile breaks across his whole face because beyond all the fear he feels about messing everything up, Kenma’s happy. He’s so, so, so happy. He feels that happiness bubble up in his chest, and surprises himself and Kuroo with a small laugh. 

Kuroo brushes a strand of hair behind his ears, looking at Kenma like it’s the only thing he ever wants to do, and a stray thought crosses Kenma’s mind.

“You mentioned my hair,” Kenma says, and Kuroo blinks at him in confusion. “I...kind of kept it long because of you. Or, because you mentioned you liked long hair, back when we were kids--”

Kuroo silences Kenma with a kiss so insistent he has no choice but to get swept up in it.

“I'm going to make it up to you,” Kuroo says raggedly as he drags his lips down Kenma’s neck. “I’m going to make you feel so loved you never have to doubt me ever again.”

And it’s not a compromise. It's just a promise.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! kudos and comments are always appreciated!!
> 
> anyway heres my [twitter](https://twitter.com/neenswrites) come chat if u wanna!!!


End file.
